Posts Tagged: women

Opinion — Comments
29
Dec 09

Girls You Wish You Never Met

Sandy is one the hottest girls in town - her athletic body, long legs and diva-like looks could make any man weak in the knees. At the moment, she’s flaunting her iPhone and Gucci dress that Rahul - the son of the biggest jeweller in town - gifted to her, for being her boyfriend. Can you spot the donkey in this story?

If you think Sandy is with Rahul because he’s a sweet and honest guy, and because he’s sensitive and understanding, and you think true love beats all odds, then, its time I sat you down and put some sense back into your testosterone fueled head. So what is the warning? And what should you know? Well, rest assured I did the leg work and have my research categorized especially for you.

Sugar Baby
Sandy is your typical money monger - she’ll squeeze your bank like a lemon and move on without any hesitation. She is usually a good looking female who carries herself well, is classy and a sucker for things money can buy, namely designer clothes, latest and most expensive cell phones and loves to dine and party at the most expensive restaurants in town. You’ll find girls of this type swarming around boys and men that have rich daddies - the one’s that are suckers for good looks only. Typically the Sugar Babies will do everything for a man - physically and emotionally - and they like to be spoiled more than often - if you are a middle class man, start looking for bus shelters - and once they’re done squeezing, they move to the next boy with a fat cheque book. For these ladies it is about a lifestyle that they must maintain and about showing off such materialistic conquests in front of other girls.

Designer Diva
The DD is the closest in the family to Sugar Babies. These divas are bitches to the core and they use their good looks to lure men. They aren’t looking for any relationship, they just want the dough, whereas, a Sugar Baby can be in a relation as long as the man fuels her materialistic desires. This girl will leave you in the lurch. On a particular day she’ll make you feel like the man and on others she’ll be a self centered bitch. Usually it’s very easy to spot such girls - they’re usually very hot and they don’t take time in letting loose at clubs and parties. Another good example would be: If you were to call this particular type of girl and tell her you just made it out of an accident alive, she’d pass it off and tell you that her broken nail was the most tragic event of the day.

Balaji Broadcast
This is the one girl you should completely steer clear off, unless you love ‘K’ serials and can’t live without melodrama. This girl loves watching all shows made by Balaji Productions - the kinds that are absolutely pointless, full of ridiculous plots and negativity. She’ll cut her wrists at the drop of a hat and have cry marathons that last weeks. The only way to get anything around this girl is using direct dialogues from shows - this means memorizing all shows at the tips of your fingers. A typical BB would blow even the tiniest of situations into mammoth issues. Be prepared to fight everyday, for the rest of your life - cause it will be a serial.

Fevichick
The Fevichick is the emotionally weak and clingy type girl. Usually at first, she’ll be a darling and an awesome person to be around. Only a few days have passed and her ‘cling mode’ is turned on. You’d find yourself replying to messages and calls all day long. For example: 1. Have you eaten? 2. Have you pooped? 3. Where are you? 4. What are you wearing? And if that’s not enough she’ll land up at your office and home - the surprise visits will get worse. Unless you like needy and clingy chicks, I’d suggest Run!

Jeevan Saathi Jhalli
You’d probably come across this girl through an online portal. The JSJ is the kind of girl that’s looking for the perfect husband - the choice of her parents - and her days are spent surfing the likes of Shaadi.com and reading wedding books, and even fantasizing about children and a happily married life. A guy can never match up to the expectations of a JSJ. You’ll soon realize that you’re being controlled and manipulated by the girl into ‘the’ idea of a perfect man. If you like being controlled and told what to do, this is your girl.

DDLJ Kudi
Ever since she saw Dilwale Dulhaniya Leh Jayenge, she’s been in love with ‘Raj’ - the character played by Shahrukh Khan. She is on the constant lookout for the mischievous bad boy character who’ll become the sweet darling once they meet. If you’re ever interrupted on a bus or train humming to ‘tujhe dekha toh yeh jaana sanam,’ or any of the tracks from the movie, you’ll know its the DDLJ Kudi. Be prepared to fight off her brothers and family members on a railway station amidst Punjabi cotton fields in true Bollywood style. If you think this sounds moronic - you’re a sane man.

Naive Nannu
The NN is the kind of girl that has absolutely no brains. This means that there would only be one working brain in the relationship. A guy may find this cool at first, but only later realize the mess he’s gotten himself into. You’d be better off having a relationship with your shadow or reflection. She’ll have nothing to say during discussions - it’ll be more like you rambling like a mad baboon with little effect. This would be one of the most boring relationships. I’d suggest getting a goldfish or turtle.

Louis Vuitton Loser
Out of all the girls mentioned above, this one is the most popular and my favourite. I find the LV Loser to be thoroughly ‘amusing’ and ‘silly.’ You can call her the ‘Fresh Off The House Boat’ or the ‘Over Achiever.’ You can easily distinguish her in a crowded party - she’ll be overdressed - she and Govinda would share the same designer labels - and trying too hard. At first, this girl may come across, accidently, but momentarily and look good, however, don’t let your anticipation fool you - the moment the LV Loser opens her mouth, you’ll turn around and run in the opposite direction. If you think a yellow shirt and pink hot pants are cool than this would be your soulmate.

Harry’s Ex
Harry treats women like garbage, and unsurprisingly broke it off with Sunita. On the contrary Sunita still loves Harry even though he’s an asshole. Now, no matter how much Raj loves Sunita, he can never convince her into moving on. ‘Harry’s Ex’ is the worst kind of girl to be in a relation with - all your conversations will end up revolving around how Harry can change. Any normal guy will get fed-up with this kind of girl within a month, however, there are a few risk-takers and thrill seekers who’ll stick around a bit longer - because they think their love will outshine competition - only to end up frustrated, depressed and maybe measured.

Bhakt Bharti
If any conversation with a girl starts with a prayer or you humming the national anthem - you know you’re in a relation with BB. Worst, you’ll have to sacrifice on any form of love making or touching in the event of religious, national or periodic occasions. She is the insanely religious devotee that’ll make you want to take the celibacy oath and maybe even turn into a baba. From mornings to late evenings you’ll be attending prayers and practicing the holy doctrine. And if you show any signs of retreat, you’ll be banned from any sexual contact for the rest of your life - that leaves you with only one thing to do: Prayer.

The list of girls mentioned above have been selected on the basis of their silly and niche characteristics. I do not intend to hurt the sentiments of any particular female, rather, I’m just watching out for my brothers who are unable to get it right. There are several girls out there that are simply amazing and to die for - all the best boys.

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Book Review — Comments
15
Oct 09

Book Review: Why Men Lie and Women Cry

Recently, on my way to Delhi, at the railway station, I picked up a book: Why Men Lie and Women Cry. I figured the journey was going to be a long one, and my buddies were not exactly up in any mood for conversation.

Note: Me and Anish - the guy who thinks he’s intellectually ahead of his time. I hope he wakes up - were waiting for the train, and we spotted a book stall. I admit that this was an impulse buy, albeit worth it.

Back to the book now.

Why Men Lie and Women Cry has been written by a man and his wife: Allan and Barbara. The duo have used wit, clever humour and the right mix of testosterone and estrogen for an unputdownable read.

Since my attention span is less than a dog - without a leash, I found this book to be absorbing for its style of presentation of all topics - short, short paragraphs. Reminded me of all those flings I’ve had in life. Its one of the reasons I read this book from one end to the other in one non stop - inanely lunatic - speed.

The book starts of with: We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. (Chinese Proverb). Once I was done with the introduction, I had my feet cemented into the ideas and scientific research accomplished by Allan and Barbara.

I felt a CONNECTION that was so refreshing, I could relate to almost all the topics - from all those flings I was talking about earlier. Page by page, I was hooked.

Once your out and done with contemplating and judging - a few of you, not all - you’ll arrive at the first chapter: Nagging. It talks about why men feel women nag them to death. Yes. A few men have committed suicides and others have even gotten divorced - the power of nagging holds immense potential, ladies. Ha. So, if you don’t like your man, nag him to your ultimate freedom. Just kidding. Don’t ever do this to my fellow brothers.

The second chapter goes into: Seven Things Men Do That Drive Women Insane. From simple chores men won’t do to why men love gross jokes - this chapter is simply riveting. Women will enjoy this more than a guy - guys will, rather, prefer to just sit back and smirk the whole time (we know we make a mess).

The next chapter: Why Women Cry is a must read for all those boys who’ve just come in contact with women or girls. It talks about how women use their arsenal of tears to bend the rules and get things done in their favour. That means... men aren’t the only lying and deceiving beings. Its just that men suck at lying and get caught far more often. I agree.

Guys, did you know women have a secret scoring system that they use to keep a check on what a man does - it apparently helps them to maintain a balance. The fourth chapter elucidates precisely on this. Apparently, men score on the importance of a task whereas a woman allocate points for an action or gift, irrespective of its size. Go grab a pen and paper and enjoy the results. According to the book: Women keep score and never forget.

For example: A man would consider buying flowers and wine to be equivalent to 10 points whereas a woman would only give you 3 points.

Note for men: Buy one flower. Save money and still get three points.

The next chapter was particularly nostalgic. Its called: Solving the Seven Biggest Mysteries About Men. Topics ranging from: Why do men avoid commitment? Why do men love sports? And, why are men so interested in ‘Boys’ toys?

And, this chapter leads to: The Other Woman - His Mother. Ladies of all ages should learn these last two chapters by heart - it’ll make your relationships with men simpler. I know you’re going to giggle the whole time.

There are also two chapters on sex appeal tests, however, I wasn’t too surprised with my results: A hole.

Remember how women use their ability to shed tears at the drop of a hat to get what they want, well, the chapter on: Women’s Secret Way With Words is used in a combination with tears to make all attacks 100% successful. No wonder they get away with paying fines and tickets.

Note: You can never fool a woman. They’re just way too smart and plus, they have 5 sensors in their heads whereas men only have 3 (the kinds used to detect lies and read voice and facial modulations). Go figure.

Lastly, there is a chapter on: What Turns Women On and one on What men should do after retirement. If you’re a man and in your early 30s and find yourself to be womanless, I’d suggest reading and memorizing all the words in: What Turns Women On and use the later to ensure she sticks around till you depart for heaven (men die much before women).

Conclusion: In all, a complete and comprehensive study of men and women, backed by facts and studies. Written in the most interesting and light hearted strokes. All the advice mentioned in the book is quiet practical and easily applicable in real life.

From what our ancestors have passed on to us and what we may possibly pass on to the next generation - it brings me to the truth: We’re not bloody unique. No one is. Really. And, if you believe that you’re unique, you need someone to slap you silly.

Lessons learnt by me:

Never lie to a woman (she has 5 sensors to detect lies and a man has only 3).

Be clear about your roles in a relationship from day one.

Woman can multi-task and therefore are good at juggling between the phone, nail paint, baby, cooking and overhearing her husband in the next room - all at the same time.

Men are excellent with the spatial part of the brain. We are good hunters and drivers.

Women like bad boys.

A man who says ‘I only believe in inner beauty,’ is probably gay or lying.

If you’re going to retire in the next couple of years - start planning (you won’t survive lazing on the beach).

Women like small efforts and appreciate compliments - always.

Just shut-up and listen when a woman is talking - it makes her feel better.

Just shut-up. Ha.

Go learn your own lessons now. Have fun!

Book: Why Men Lie and Women Cry
Authors: Allan & Barbara
Price: Rs.250/-

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Bonking — Comments
25
Oct 08

Ice

Hello! Ladies and gentlemen, I will be the connoisseur for the evening. Now, now, please calm down. Settle down in your seats. Please. Kindly turn your satellite and Vertu phones in slumber mode. Wine will be served shortly at your table. Non-drinkers, do not worry; we have prepared a special recipe for your indulgence. A mix of chicken and sushi, from the clearest waters - right down from the islands near Hong Kong, topped with lemon and coriander.

“Voila!” Our chef told us, but we beg of you to leave it at that. No self-respecting man or woman can risk the idea of arousal in public.

Oh! By the way, I didn’t mention that it’s the Viagra of all dishes, did I? But I suppose, a fine person like you doesn’t mind getting naughty. Food is considered to be one highly volatile aphrodisiac. I consider it to be quiet imaginative and exclusive - for renewing your otherwise boring routine. A little rubdown of ice - after - can show your mate blue stars in the morning twilight.

Aroused? Not yet. Are you sure? No. Ok, I believe you. What if I gave you details? Would you change your mind then? Yes! Did I just see your eyes open an mm wider? And while your lips are tightly held back but murmur that 'yes?' Hey! It’s good enough for me. I know you could use the action. After all, we all want it in the first place.

You sir! Yes you, in the back! Please switch your phone off. We don’t care if Martha Stewart is on the line. Switch it off or kindly step outside.

By a raise of hands, presently, how many off you have invested in stocks? Kindly raise your hands so I can see them. Now, please look over both shoulders. Do you see where this is going? Ok you can bring your hands down now. So everyone here has invested their hard-earned money or the not so hard-earned into shares, equity, bonds and etc, etc.

Excuse me! Pardon. Madam, I don’t understand. Would you kindly come up here? I can hardly here your voice. Lets share what you have to say with everyone. Right up this way. Yes, that’s it. Welcome! You are?

“Bandova, Mrs. Bandova”. Ladies and gentlemen here is Mrs. Bandova.

Applaud.

Mrs. Bandova, what is it you wish to share with everyone?
“I would like to know about that ice. My husband talks of stocks all day.”

Can you hear the hooting and cheering? Now that’s the power of ice. You see the glass in front of you, the one with the three thousand dollar scotch in it. Yes that one. Put some ice into it, if you already haven’t. I certainly fancy it on the rocks, no adulteration and hedonistic in nature.

Only the other day I was at a party, close friends and some new people. These new people certainly had a few distinct ways of taking their shots. Milk would be one of the ingredient, a few had the idea of mixing vodka with watermelon, topped with snake poison, the lethal kinds. If only I could get my hands on the JD, I would be blissful in my own world. Shot after shot the men settled down in the large couches - the Italian leather ones, imported by the gentleman who organised the party, in his private Boing 777 - sobering down. Only later to start sessions of their overtly expensive first class trips around the world and their worldly babe conquests.

What did get my attention was the lioness in green. As I finished my last drink, I gathered up the courage to go speak with her. I navigated myself across a room filled with statues and furniture, hand crafted by slaves of Africa. Ok, Ok. I was making that last part up. Moving on now. As I skim across slowly, trying to avoid stepping on any of the six Chihuahuas. As I got closer to my prize, it seemed to get better and better. Ny now, my focus got sharper, the lines and curves got bolder. Every square inch was formidable. Her hair - long but trimmed at the front. High cheekbones and a flattering devil’s smile, complementing the Greek-Goddess voluptuousness. She had the body of a tigress; every square inch was pure muscle, and skin glowing like fresh apples from Swiss.

So I approached her. She noticed my movement. A smile of confirmation from her gave me confidence. I arrived in close proximity, all the women around her turned around as if expecting me to say something. This was putting me on the stage, the limelight. Did I mention - I picked up a bucket of ice while I was walking along? Yes! That’s right, a big bucket of ice. I looked at the ladies and gave them my I-have-come-prepared grin. I held up the bucket of ice and said, “Would you ladies like some ice on those cock-tails”. It was amazing, almost like throwing meat in front of hungry sharks. They jumped at it, one by one all iced up. I took this moment to excavate the green lady out of the rigmarole.

As we safari through the room towards a bedroom upstairs, she teasingly says “Don’t leave the ice.” This piece will not be printed further due to censorship issues.

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Bonking — Comments
6
Sep 08

Faking it! The big “O”

When was the last time you faked it? Oh! It was yesterday only.

Yea right!

Don’t lie to yourself.

Please! Or, was it the other day after dinner, at home?

No, no, no.

It was a few hours earlier with your spouse, when you were trying to slip under your parents nose. It’s not so much fun though. It seems to be the only thing on our minds but the truth is; most of it is only in the mind, where the thoughts stay and slowly rust, till they decay and grow molecular bacteria. You have tried complaining several times but only if the human at the other side could understand your grief.

It’s slavery to a system of mundane rituals, performed to please your needs. Only temporary though; nothing long lasting or savouring.

One thing is certain from this entire hullabaloo; that the big “O”, the cellular “Operators”, never listen to your complaint. They will give you the run around, making sure you don’t escape the drudges of uncannily ridiculous game of cat and mouse. “No sir”, “yes sir” and a “thank you sir” will end your call.

However, The long distance service you require while sitting far away from home; well that won’t work. Only the call with the “O” will. Rubbish isn’t it.

Off and on these companies have taken the media space by storm, bombarding you with emotional melodrama of boys playing soccer or even daughters tuning into the bell at the temple. Pompous claims of network as far as the corner of the earth ooze out of every 30 seconds melodrama.

How silly.

What will one do with such signal strength? That too, half-way around the world. All we really need is a nice un-interrupted conversation with our girlfriends. During the night, sitting inside the closet or in the bathroom and sometimes even under the bed; all we wonder is, why do they show those half-baked commercials of people having signals on the peaks of mountains?

And here, you sit with zero signal strength, having your girl waiting at the other end.

I guess these big “O” people are fooling us and faking the entire episode of butter glazed, sugary, laced with maple syrup communication. I suggest that for a change, they put their sugar-lazed doughnuts up where the moon shines. To see something in context to public having the glory in the vicinity of their home would certainly be down right amusing.

Run along now, shows over.

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