Yes, you read that right. Make a movie. There. I said it again. Back in the day, the heyday, I had a thing - a tiny bugger of a thought - for becoming a star, a well known public figure, someone who made a difference to this dog gone world. Well, its a reality now. Go ahead, check it out here or below. I'm sure you'll get the drift. Cheers!!
The trend on the e-street is now all about Twitter. A website using, almost, a global chatting platform to help people connect to others they would not have known otherwise. Companies market jobs, teens talk about their days, and others, just ramble.
Hypothetically speaking, lets have everyone living in Chandigarh active on some social networking site- In this case, lets focus primarily on the Twitter and Facebook concept. The idea may seem far-fetched in, but it will change the way we go about our daily mundane routines. Allow me to elucidate.
Let’s take the Sabzi-Waala (the guy who brings the groceries), the Dhobi (the guy who irons and washes your clothes), the Dhaba-Waala (occasionally where you head for Aloo-Paranthas), the Raddi-Waala (the person who collects all your old newspapers and bottles), and your Safai-Waali (the men/women who keep your house clean). They all build their Facebook and Twitter pages. Lets call these folks ‘Twelpers,’ and we’ll be Hemant (a single, middle-class man, living with his elderly parents).
Now all you’d have to do is add these Twelpers to your personal accounts and follow them. Here’s how your routine would follow in Chandigarh: When you get up in the morning, you’d see Facebook and Twitter updates from the ‘Twelpers,’ followed by Superpokes from your Dhobi and a Tweet ‘@Hemant Clothes ironed and washed. What time is good for delivery? @Dhobi.’ You could revert to his message from your Twitterberry application ‘@Dhobi Arriving home by 5:30pm @Hemant. Send clothes then.’
If the Safai-Waali(a) can’t make it, she/he would Tweet you ‘@Hemant Will be late today. Daughter unwell @Safai-Waali.’ Only moments later, you’d be Tweeted about the rates of groceries, for that day, by the Sabzi-Waala. He’d even click pictures of fresh fruits - from that morning in the Sector 26 Grain Market - with his iPhone and upload them to his Flickr account - so you could see what looks good for the day. He would also use Google Maps on his iPhone to let you determine his location and route. This way you could be at home when he’s around. A typical tweet from him would look like: @Sabzi-Waala #fresh #tomatoes today. #lowprices on #onions @Twelpers26.
The Raddi-Waalas would be the most active Twitter users. They’d tweet daily rates of ‘Raddi’ (similar to stock updates on the news) such as: ‘Newspaper Rs.5/kg :: Bottles Special Rate today Rs.2/bottle.’ And they’d even give special prices to their followers.
As well as, when you’re done partying at a local disc - during the wee hours - you’d send a Tweet to the Dhaba-Waala: ‘@Dhaba-Waala Arriving with 5 #drunk friends. Prepare 20 #aloo-paranthas immediately. #veryhungry @Hemant.’ The Dhaba-Waala would also send Aloo-Parantha Pokes, Sabzi Pokes during lunch hours to your Facebook accounts.
In fact, there would be a Twelper’s group for every sector on Facebook and Twitter. For example: @Twelpers26 and @Twelpers43. So, if you were to move in from another town, all you’d have to do is add the respective Twelper’s group for that sector. Thus, finding a maid, groceries, a reasonable dhobi and aloo-paranthas would become a cake walk.
There would also be reviews on Facebook on which Safai-Waalies (maids) are bad and which Sabzi-Waala (vegetable seller) has the choicest groceries. All the ladies of the sector could even hold regular Tweet-Ups (Twitter folks get together for coffee, usually once a week). Tweet-Up topics can range from blacklisting to endorsing the right people (and this platform would also act as an additional point of gossip).
And finally, apart from the Twelpers, we can also have: @Pooja-Paath (for all news and updates of temples) and even @Geri-Route (get instant feeds on the happenings of the city). This way you’d ensure that all spoiled brats pray before they head out for a day of eve-teasing.
Check out the complete article in The Tribune - Saturday Extra 28 November 2009.
Let’s be clear about one thing right away: Indians are bad drivers – well, the larger part are for sure. Now, we can blame the government, the police or even our ignorant behaviour. Any which way, roads are crying out for help, and the best we can do is complain – by the way, that’s all we’re good at – and we’ll play that ridiculous blame game incessantly.
Let’s analyze the bigger picture momentarily.
When a terror attack happens; When someone mentions or refers to Mumbai as Bombay; If someone says ‘cattle class’ to make a point; If someone wears white and even if someone is simply caught kissing – our attitudes are: File a case with the high court, throw tantrums, take out processions, and even file for divorces of ethics.
What about the starving farmers, non-availability of water, shelter and electricity in the larger parts of our country, and even the ‘AAM AADMI’ (common man)?
No one seems to be talking about those issues. The one's that really matter, and are slowly eating away into our roots. We’re good at throwing tantrums around like spoiled children (like when we were 4 years old and couldn’t get cotton candy) – the majority population is here.
No. Really. WTF?
On one end we crib, criticise, degrade the BABOOS (government & bureaucrats) for not doing their jobs, and wasting time and money – making tall claims of how they need to stop corruption and mend their ways.
And lately, there were even tall claims by most of the influential people - largely through media, blogs and Twitter – about how the people of the country deserve a better system. And these are the same people who encourage the same vicious system.
In addition, our media rampant goons constantly highlight stories that don’t matter or either affects no common man. And, if there is any airtime left, it’s for the dog that fell in the well or the two boys who ran away from home – to get married.
Yes. It’s the bloody truth. Ok, lets go back to the plight of the roads now.
How the majority thinks: The system is a huge mess. (The truth & acknowledging something has to be done).
What they really do about it:
a) Drive like monkeys behind the wheel.
b) Does anyone know the term: Right of Way?
c) Honking is directly connected to our balls (the itch is terrible).
d) If the police catch you for defaulting, you proudly deny or offer corrupt means to settle the matter (And, later tell people the system is corrupt or dysfunctional). A few even call the Home Minister to avoid getting fined Rs.100.
e) When was the last time anyone showed patience on the road? It must be the pressure of a pseudo life that take over once people are behind the wheel – even perfectly genuine people like Mr. Pond give you the finger. (Read Mr. Pond for more).
f) If any two cars collide, kiss (touch momentarily – primarily because of little space on the road), bump or even rough up badly, you’d find the drivers battling it out like 3 year olds in diapers - for their BB guns.
g) When was the last time anybody – even someone like you – followed the rules of the road. I feel that the most organised traffic, in India, is of Mumbai. Delhi and Ludhiana being complete jungles, packed with dimwits. And, Chandigarh joining close behind Delhi and Ludhiana.
h) The biggest pet peeve: People who litter on the road (throw wrappers, bottles and their diapers on the road – out the window). Go throw that shit at home. Seriously. And stop cribbing about pollution.
Yes. These are the problems. Not all of them, however, a basic few. I’m also sure that you could be reading this and point out hundreds more – yet the trouble lies wherein who’s going to start doing something, rather than pointing fingers.
For a start, here are a few things I follow:
1. I collect all my waste in the car and dispose it off once I get home.
2. Refrain from honking at all costs.
3. Try driving in lanes and avoid tailgating.
4. Remain calm on the road. (Daddy doesn't own it).
5. Travel ahead of schedules and appointments. (Our roads are not meant for those 120km/h or even 80km/h for that matter)
6. And, if you get into an accident - move on with life, cars crash all the time, especially in India.
7. Before hurling abuses from your car - when the windows are rolled up, and only you can hear - and bringing your temperature up, kindly asses why the guy ahead or behind you is changing lanes on a short notice, or why they're driving slower, or they're moving out of an parking space, or they are looking for parking - just like you.
For even a better understanding you can also visit:
1. Chandigarh Police.
2. Delhi Police.
Surprised they exist? Its all that ignorance and attitude – we’re a bunch of spoiled boys and girls.
Note: What began this debate in my head was the following set of pictures. Look closely. Go to FLICKR.
The road-dividing sector 34 and 44 (use this as a sapling for the various problems being faced on road) had huge jams.
This was primarily because it had a small circle at its centre and no lights. The commuters would pack, squeeze and shove from all angles – leaving no room for a gulp of air – and hence, traffic would come to a stand still. Remember the term: Right of Way?
Finally, and usually, one smart citizen would step out his car and try put sense in it all – and eventually the flees would disperse, only momentarily, to collect at the next nearest circle or light – the process is once again on repeat.
Now that the authorities took appropriate action on the issue, our very own public has gone out and dug dividers out of the way. It's a shame and pity for the poor system. First we cry for help, when we do get it - we're unable to accept it and ultimately break the system apart.
PS: Not referring to all men and women on the road, however, those who need to know, they'll get the hint. Feel free to slip this article on anybody who you find similar to the profile of Mr. Pond. Let's make our roads and cities a better place.
Recently, on my way to Delhi, at the railway station, I picked up a book: Why Men Lie and Women Cry. I figured the journey was going to be a long one, and my buddies were not exactly up in any mood for conversation.
Note: Me and Anish - the guy who thinks he’s intellectually ahead of his time. I hope he wakes up - were waiting for the train, and we spotted a book stall. I admit that this was an impulse buy, albeit worth it.
Back to the book now.
Why Men Lie and Women Cry has been written by a man and his wife: Allan and Barbara. The duo have used wit, clever humour and the right mix of testosterone and estrogen for an unputdownable read.
Since my attention span is less than a dog - without a leash, I found this book to be absorbing for its style of presentation of all topics - short, short paragraphs. Reminded me of all those flings I’ve had in life. Its one of the reasons I read this book from one end to the other in one non stop - inanely lunatic - speed.
The book starts of with: We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. (Chinese Proverb). Once I was done with the introduction, I had my feet cemented into the ideas and scientific research accomplished by Allan and Barbara.
I felt a CONNECTION that was so refreshing, I could relate to almost all the topics - from all those flings I was talking about earlier. Page by page, I was hooked.
Once your out and done with contemplating and judging - a few of you, not all - you’ll arrive at the first chapter: Nagging. It talks about why men feel women nag them to death. Yes. A few men have committed suicides and others have even gotten divorced - the power of nagging holds immense potential, ladies. Ha. So, if you don’t like your man, nag him to your ultimate freedom. Just kidding. Don’t ever do this to my fellow brothers.
The second chapter goes into: Seven Things Men Do That Drive Women Insane. From simple chores men won’t do to why men love gross jokes - this chapter is simply riveting. Women will enjoy this more than a guy - guys will, rather, prefer to just sit back and smirk the whole time (we know we make a mess).
The next chapter: Why Women Cry is a must read for all those boys who’ve just come in contact with women or girls. It talks about how women use their arsenal of tears to bend the rules and get things done in their favour. That means... men aren’t the only lying and deceiving beings. Its just that men suck at lying and get caught far more often. I agree.
Guys, did you know women have a secret scoring system that they use to keep a check on what a man does - it apparently helps them to maintain a balance. The fourth chapter elucidates precisely on this. Apparently, men score on the importance of a task whereas a woman allocate points for an action or gift, irrespective of its size. Go grab a pen and paper and enjoy the results. According to the book: Women keep score and never forget.
For example: A man would consider buying flowers and wine to be equivalent to 10 points whereas a woman would only give you 3 points.
Note for men: Buy one flower. Save money and still get three points.
The next chapter was particularly nostalgic. Its called: Solving the Seven Biggest Mysteries About Men. Topics ranging from: Why do men avoid commitment? Why do men love sports? And, why are men so interested in ‘Boys’ toys?
And, this chapter leads to: The Other Woman - His Mother. Ladies of all ages should learn these last two chapters by heart - it’ll make your relationships with men simpler. I know you’re going to giggle the whole time.
There are also two chapters on sex appeal tests, however, I wasn’t too surprised with my results: A hole.
Remember how women use their ability to shed tears at the drop of a hat to get what they want, well, the chapter on: Women’s Secret Way With Words is used in a combination with tears to make all attacks 100% successful. No wonder they get away with paying fines and tickets.
Note: You can never fool a woman. They’re just way too smart and plus, they have 5 sensors in their heads whereas men only have 3 (the kinds used to detect lies and read voice and facial modulations). Go figure.
Lastly, there is a chapter on: What Turns Women On and one on What men should do after retirement. If you’re a man and in your early 30s and find yourself to be womanless, I’d suggest reading and memorizing all the words in: What Turns Women On and use the later to ensure she sticks around till you depart for heaven (men die much before women).
Conclusion: In all, a complete and comprehensive study of men and women, backed by facts and studies. Written in the most interesting and light hearted strokes. All the advice mentioned in the book is quiet practical and easily applicable in real life.
From what our ancestors have passed on to us and what we may possibly pass on to the next generation - it brings me to the truth: We’re not bloody unique. No one is. Really. And, if you believe that you’re unique, you need someone to slap you silly.
Lessons learnt by me:
Never lie to a woman (she has 5 sensors to detect lies and a man has only 3).
Be clear about your roles in a relationship from day one.
Woman can multi-task and therefore are good at juggling between the phone, nail paint, baby, cooking and overhearing her husband in the next room - all at the same time.
Men are excellent with the spatial part of the brain. We are good hunters and drivers.
Women like bad boys.
A man who says ‘I only believe in inner beauty,’ is probably gay or lying.
If you’re going to retire in the next couple of years - start planning (you won’t survive lazing on the beach).
Women like small efforts and appreciate compliments - always.
Just shut-up and listen when a woman is talking - it makes her feel better.
Just shut-up. Ha.
Go learn your own lessons now. Have fun!
Book: Why Men Lie and Women Cry
Authors: Allan & Barbara
Price: Rs.250/-
