Bonking


6
Oct 11

Writer’s block

The memory of writing a blog post with a flint of conviction seems foggy. Timing couldn’t possibly be worse. Blame it on fate or sour creative juice. Either way, no words had been put side by side in fancifulness of an engaging and spirited blog post.

It all began with pseudo work piling up on my desk, under my nose. Intentionally denying myself a breather of verbal air- a blog rant so to speak. This phase was an excuse to stub great ideas, which could, in a perpetually digitized universe, see the light of algorithms or day as you – normal folks armed with Facebook poke – would call it.

This severe problem, like an annoying blister grown organically between the ass cheeks, was never of ideas, which, in a matter of fact way, have always been abundant, and stacked neatly, labeled and shelved in my brain’s optical briefcase, with a sign: break in case of creative block.

At the same time, for a moment it seemed, I had burned myself to the point of extinction. Writing, as a way of life, was over even before taking off. I reeked failure all over. With my face tucked tightly between crossed arms, the voices numbed. There was no one at the wheel. I was lost in a dessert of confusion plagued by frustration.

A low point ensued.

But, where there is a will, there’s a BMW M5 backed into your driveway, awaiting play.

Back? Ah! I was saying: post several futile attempts of calibrating the ideas in my mind with words, the light at the end of the tunnel began to creep its way back in. This was the point of realization- and the much awaited climax in this riddling verbal jaunt. It was a moment full of joy or in my textbook- wank-a-thon-induced-orgasms.

Here’s what I discovered, and this may help you in your moment of weakness- seconds before you give in to a boring career option- (put boring fart-less profession here).

We all, I’m assuming you too, know-

Writing, like any other profession or craft, requires loads of practice, lots more repetition, even more reading or better yet, endless reading and an eye for picking up nuances that may trigger your mind’s shorter leg.

Pun intended.

Turns out, with my colossal work load taking front row seats, I hadn’t read a book, magazine, blog post, newspaper, website copy, terms & conditions on a soap box or even the fine print of anything of anything.

Curiosity levels were as shallow as Kim Kardashian’s personality. For creative beings, this is an equivalent of a prisoner on death row multiplied by steroid-induced hysteria that makes one stab there eye incessantly.

Marlyin Mansion would know.

One fine day, the pieces began to fit the puzzle, while I was in office looking for inspiration, without ever realizing that a short book on time management (gifted by a friend) was quietly moving the floor beneath my feet. The feeling can be best described by downing 30 shots of vodka. Friendly advice: I wouldn’t try that if I were you.

On completing the book, I placed it back on the shelf, sat back in my chair, threw my feet on the table, put my hands behind my head, smiled in satisfaction and came to realize how much I missed reading.

Its close to what a good old mouth hug by the sea feels like. If you need to know what that means, you’re not old enough to be on this blog. Shoo!!

I pounced on everything in sight for the next week, like a starved cave man, who’s discovered the 7 course lunch buffet at The Leela Kempinski. Blogs, magazines (which I verbally raped from cover to cover), and this book that I’m reading now on “probability”, which is responsible for stimulating a legion of out-of-work brain cells.

Soon, it all began to come back, words connected like a relationship high on chemistry minus the boring science bit. I am now, without a doubt, a kid high on crack.

Rainbows and bunnies are back in charge. In short, reading more helps.


15
Jul 11

Why you need bra & panty in your next marketing strategy


*Before we proceed any further into this article, kindly look into your mind’s eye and honestly tell me you’re thinking about filing your taxes and making an honest living and not those luscious, drool-inducing, balls-tingling tits and ass.

Alright. Here we go.

The two most fascinating words of the male dictionary. Well, in my case, for obvious reasons but also because they’re purely a professional hazzard.

No.

I know what you’re thinking i.e. either this guy is a male stripper who grinds the bars for the rich-but-lonely-wives, or is a professional godzilla slinger aka hairy Mexican pornstar or one of those guys who’s drooling and ogling dirty pictures in the next window while conceptualizing this literary jaunt.

Or my favourite- he’s plain old horny and cheap like every other man except for Bill Clinton.

What? He was framed.

Although, those would appropriately fit my label, there’s more to a bra’s and panty’s obvious functionality.

One.

Today, because of clutter and competition, to engage the customer or as we, in the advertising industry put it, get the target audience enticed and hooked over the brand becomes a challenge.

Hence, you need your communication to be catchy.

*Like those tits you saw the other day, while you sat across the room with your girlfriend at a cafe. You remember she was wearing a white dress, her long brown hair were caught in the wind (even though this was indoors and there was no fan) and the fact that she itched her toe twice, shifted three times and did that thing most girls do- fixed her shirt because she could see the drool on your chin from across the room.

She was like a breath of fresh air. Thats recall.

Is your campaign engaging enough for the audience you have set out to have a conversation with?

Two.

Sampling the product so that a customer can get a flavour i.e. like a test drive or demo.

*You walk into a strip club, get a lap dance and the girl quietly slips a business card in your jacket pocket while you orgy over her assests.

Raise your hand if you agree thats some kick-ass one-on-one selling right there. Can your product demo deliver and capture the imagination of your customer?

Three.

Delivery. You’ve enticed the customer, given a kick-ass demo but when the panties come off, there’s a dirty bush and it smells of alcohol and a baloney sandwich that was on the bottom-most shelf of your friend’s fridge for two whole months.

Failing to deliver to the brand promise will result in losing the customer forever, garnering a bad word of mouth and, the most common of all, an erectile dysfunction- the business going kaput.

I also think a bra is much like the advertising campaign that entices and engages with the client, guest, customer or consumer and the panties become the after sales service.

How well and prepared are you to listen and meet the needs as well as evolve with time to keep things alive and fresh?

For instance, an advertising baba would do a like an under-the-waterfall-in-her-saree-slow-motion-dance for an Indian and a let-me-grab-that-pen-of-the-floor for you in a really tiny skirt for an American.

Disclaimer/Tip: After all, it ain’t rocket science dude, with one hand in his pant and the other on the mouse. Simply spread the index and thumb into a “U”, slide your hand up her shirt from behind, press down firmly on the straps and bring thumb and finger apart.

Voila. I said bra and panty.

Image: ffffound.com


15
Jan 11

Jukebox Five 2011

Here are some kick-ass songs that I’ve been tripping on.


20
Jul 09

Sunita, the seductress

If I could recollect that day for you, then, it was an indolent Saturday. I had woken up to a wet and sticky morning. It had just finished raining outside and the AC had tripped. The only thing anyone could do is blame faith or the government. Being pissed with the electricity department or your father for buying that house wouldn’t have solved the problem.

Don’t bother mentioning that last one on the dinner table. Ever.

Here’s what happened.

All bathed and out of the house, driving down to a client’s office – for a meeting – I took one left and two rights at the junction where I wasn’t supposed to. The results of that are thirty minutes wasted. Any how, I finally reach the dilapidated factory, next to my client’s office. It was supposedly the landmark mentioned in his email.

How silly. I should have used the GPS on my iPhone.

I walk in hoping God somehow squeezed in ten minutes, so I’d be on time. Really? I guess I was expecting too much.

At the reception, I’m greeted by the secretary, who directed me towards the hallway on the left and the sixth door on the right.

Sure. Got it. I reach the door. Knock.

No, I wouldn’t barge in like the rest of you. A peon steps out, shows me the way. I walk into an office thats well-done. I mean – wall carpet, wooden flooring, LCD, overlooking the sea, rest assured this was the bosses office. As I took my place in-front of a huge table, the spartan like leather chair slowly revolved to face me.

My client, Mr. Kluter was not in his chair.

Ahem, sigh* Cough. I’m restless all of a sudden. Its my client’s wife in the throne.

**She is a nuclear bomb.

“Hello! I’m Sunita. You must be Peter, from that advertising agency.”

Cough. Ahem. I clear my throat so I can let out a manly voice.

A minor chair shift later and a squeaky, slightly impoverished ‘yes,’ fumbles out.

Sweat begins to trickle down my spine, hands start shaking, all I can think of is Sunita’s Greek Goddess looks.

“Are you OK?”

-”Mm… I don’t see Mr. Kluter around. Will he be coming today?”

“No. He is away to Pune. I will oversee things for today.”

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

-”Yes. I’m fine. Had gotten lost on the way here.”

I can barely breath.

Sunita gets up and walks over to the mini fridge at the corner, next to the 42 inch LCD. She pulls out a can of juice for me.

“Here. This will make you feel better. It has come in from Greece last week.”

She takes her place on the sofa, next to the window.

Sunita is the trophy wife that only men like Mr. Kluter can take home. After all, who can afford the Bentley, diamonds, 5 acre – beach side – home, and the list that never ends.

As Sunita’s perfume circumvolves me, my brain goes on screensaver mode. By now I have completely forgotten the purpose of my visit.

It’s been long since I said anything. Worried. I collect my breath.

- ”Is that the Marine Drive?”

“Yes it is, Peter.”

Thank god, I said something. I’m sure she must get this Men-On-Pause look all the time. She knows what she does to men.

- ”Lovely! You must love this serene office view.”

“It’s OK. I’m more of a mountains type.”

“Why don’t you come and sit here on this sofa. The view is much better from here.”

- “Ok.”

As I walk over towards the sofa where Sunita purrs, all I can think of is one thing. I’m sorry, she is sitting. Her long legs are crossed over one another. You can be sure of one thing. This will not be just a meeting.

I put my rear in the couch next to her. I can see up her skirt.

“You like what you see?”

Oh shit. Damn it. She saw me ogling.

- “No. I mean. Yes. No. Ah. Yes.”

She relaxes the muscles on her face and a smile appears on her soft lips.

I can hardly feel my legs.

“Don’t worry. Relax. My husband is away. He won’t know.”

After those words, all I can remember is the morning.