Opinion

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3
Jul 10

Men That Women Should Avoid At All Cost (Volume 1)

A while back, I had prepared a list of females that men should avoid at all costs. This time around, and due to popular demand, I’ve compiled the antidote. The list of men you’ll read about have either been acquaintances or been known in some way or other. The point is that the list matters, and not how I know them.

Although men are, by nature, polygamous and women monogamous, I can still draw a thin line between the different kinds of men and women. And ladies, to be honest, all men stare, all men are cheap (to some extent), and all men are MEN.

There. I feel much better.

There is a little bit of these men in every MAN. So, next time your man does something unorthodox or seemingly sheepish, you’ll be prepared. And, since there are so many different kinds of men out there, I have only selected a handful worthy of discussion. Feel free to request a TYPE in the comments section below.

Buckled up? Here we go ladies.

The Possessive Poodle
The reason I have chosen the Possessive Poodle, first, is because they are so damn popular. Look around; if you’re a woman, there are plenty of them, everywhere. The best way to define these gentlemen is their peculiar taste in almost everything garbled on ego. These over passionate, over board with the manner with which they conduct themselves and over (put almost anything you want here) kind of men. Usually, and mostly, women fall into their trap because they are puppy-dog like, harmless, feather like – fascinating, nearly. They will let women do whatever they please (wait, hold your horses) and as soon as the girl commits, you’d see the flipside – the real arse in disguise.
It would be a no this, no that, not now, not here, you’ll do as I say attitude. And, a month into this relationship, the girl becomes the Poodle – an angry bitch that’ll bite. No offense ladies, these men can do that to you.

Cure: Run for your life. Change all your phone numbers 300 times – and once more after that.

The Cheap Creep
Ah, the easiest one to find in a bunch of men. The Cheap Creep is a loner. Sporting a rapist-like smirk, eavesdropping on most conversations, eyeing all the butts and busts of the room – lavishly and openly. He is the I-think-I-am-Brad-Pitt type but actually looks like a shaved donkey. The Cheap Creep is a slimy fellow, usually lecherous by nature, and thinks he’s a player. He’ll approach girls with lines like: “God bless those” (And stare where men shouldn’t), “Let me show you my chest hair” (while slowly unbuttoning the top 2 buttons of his shirt), “You ladies look like you need some action” (and make sexual gestures). These are a few, I’m sure you can add to the list. Even a stripper or a low cost prostitute will not engage with The Cheap Creap.

Cure: Public humiliation: One tight slap.

The Beer Brawler
A perfectly sane looking individual who is known to be a champion. However, when his lips meet beer – the pig takes over. You’d be surprised at what follows next. Mostly found in the bathroom or on John’s new fish tank – throwing up. The Beer Brawler is the I-drink-50-beers-for-breakfast kind but gets drunk on 2 sips of root beer. He’ll try to stimulate ladies by his shallow antics and short-lived memory span. Even a bird with a pea size brain can outwit this bloke. Once the Beer Brawler gets drunk, he’ll enter into self-destruct mode. Usually leading to fights, random quarrels about how his girlfriend finds him immature or why he can’t score a better girl (well, a good one). Usually ladies fall into his trap because they believe a man can quit beer. No, really?

Cure: Fresh lime – lots of it!

The Bitch in Pants
I know what most of the ladies are thinking. Yes, you’re right. This is your favourite kind of man, the most popular in a group of girls. Wait, what? This may sound like a fantasy (to a few inexperienced men) but, the hard truth is, women love gossip. Yes, men gossip too, but this is one odd breed. He’ll know everything about everyone (even a super bitch would feel befuddled with his gossip prowess). He’ll out talk any girl in the room. There is some sort of a hidden channel via which this man receives all his feed. More so, women feel this urge to confide and confess all their secrets in him.

Note: For men, it would be a good idea to have one such friend. He’ll keep you out of trouble and into the right circle (remember he has so many girls around him).

A girl would not know who is the man in the relationship if she ever got with this queen. But, look at the bright side; you’ll have endless gossip. Need I say more?

Cure: Leave the room. Better, put some pants on.

The Cheating Cheetah
The most dreaded of them all. The cheat. The guy every girl wants to kill. Well, almost. Known to hop on and hop off relationships like a schoolgirl with candy. Hmmm… Well, not like a schoolgirl but a baboon on sugar. At first, this man seems perfect, like a saint from the hills. He’ll shower you with love and gifts (in most cases). You’ll be on cloud 9 for this, albeit brief, period. The inner working of this man are similar to a scam artist. Once the bubble pops, you’ll be heartbroken and distressed. Finally, all those warnings your friends gave will make sense.

Cure: Ask him to marry you on the third date and watch him run.

The Stingy Sheik
Contrary to popular belief, the Stingy Sheik is an elaborate spender. He’ll purchase the best of clothes, cars, mobile phones, shoes etc. etc. Here’s the catch: None of it will be for you. The only thing you’ll get is a set of bed sheets from Wal-Mart, at 50% off. He’d occasionally make you ‘ducth’ the bill on the pretext that women are equal. I say BULLSHIT.

Cure: Get your own wallet. Be a woman.

The Brag Basket
This man is full of himself. He’ll brag about everything, literally. An average conversation with this hoodwink will include the stretches of property, cars and women he owns. You’ll be yawning even before his Mercedes takes ignition. Also known to treat other humans like garbage – especially waiters and security guards.

Cure: Ask him about that Ferrari he couldn’t buy.

The Safe Boy
This is one of my favourites. The Safe Boy is your mom or dad disguised in sneakers and ripped jeans. He’ll shy away from any opportunity to take advantage, drink milk at a bar and even go to church in the morning. Will constantly worry about your health and take you on long drives with no intent. Very cute indeed, but wait, didn’t women prefer the bad boy? I’ll get to him very shortly. Usually women use the safe boy as a fallback toy. You would hear women say, “He’s been THERE for me” garbage.

Cure: Get a bad boy.
Speaking of bad boys. I’ve saved the best for last. Here’s the man himself.

The Bad Boy
This is not your average Joe. He’s the blue-eyed boy, the rock star of them all. He can jump in and out of any of the above roles at the drop of a hat. He is moody, choosy and downright egotistical and usually a good-looking stud. There will be commitment issues, relationship issues, and all sorts of issues that even I can’t fathom. Teachers hate him, mothers love him (mostly), and men envy him. He makes girls go weak in the knees, flirts recklessly and takes most of the girls’ home. Most girls can’t resist this dude too long. In fact, friends would wait in line to be with him. That’s crazy but all true. The only way you can go home with this bad boy is if your BOMB-like hot!

Cure: There is no cure. He’s going to be out of this world. Enjoy!

All right ladies, hope you enjoyed this short journey. I’m sure there are 10 more men you can think of that should make this list. Kindly add them below, in the comments section and I will write about them in Volume 2.

Note: Some descriptive bits have been left out to keep this blog PG-13.

Opinion — View Comments
29
Dec 09

Girls You Wish You Never Met

Sandy is one the hottest girls in town – her athletic body, long legs and diva-like looks could make any man weak in the knees. At the moment, she’s flaunting her iPhone and Gucci dress that Rahul – the son of the biggest jeweller in town – gifted to her, for being her boyfriend. Can you spot the donkey in this story?

If you think Sandy is with Rahul because he’s a sweet and honest guy, and because he’s sensitive and understanding, and you think true love beats all odds, then, its time I sat you down and put some sense back into your testosterone fueled head. So what is the warning? And what should you know? Well, rest assured I did the leg work and have my research categorized especially for you.

Sugar Baby
Sandy is your typical money monger – she’ll squeeze your bank like a lemon and move on without any hesitation. She is usually a good looking female who carries herself well, is classy and a sucker for things money can buy, namely designer clothes, latest and most expensive cell phones and loves to dine and party at the most expensive restaurants in town. You’ll find girls of this type swarming around boys and men that have rich daddies – the one’s that are suckers for good looks only. Typically the Sugar Babies will do everything for a man – physically and emotionally – and they like to be spoiled more than often – if you are a middle class man, start looking for bus shelters – and once they’re done squeezing, they move to the next boy with a fat cheque book. For these ladies it is about a lifestyle that they must maintain and about showing off such materialistic conquests in front of other girls.

Designer Diva
The DD is the closest in the family to Sugar Babies. These divas are bitches to the core and they use their good looks to lure men. They aren’t looking for any relationship, they just want the dough, whereas, a Sugar Baby can be in a relation as long as the man fuels her materialistic desires. This girl will leave you in the lurch. On a particular day she’ll make you feel like the man and on others she’ll be a self centered bitch. Usually it’s very easy to spot such girls – they’re usually very hot and they don’t take time in letting loose at clubs and parties. Another good example would be: If you were to call this particular type of girl and tell her you just made it out of an accident alive, she’d pass it off and tell you that her broken nail was the most tragic event of the day.

Balaji Broadcast
This is the one girl you should completely steer clear off, unless you love ‘K’ serials and can’t live without melodrama. This girl loves watching all shows made by Balaji Productions – the kinds that are absolutely pointless, full of ridiculous plots and negativity. She’ll cut her wrists at the drop of a hat and have cry marathons that last weeks. The only way to get anything around this girl is using direct dialogues from shows – this means memorizing all shows at the tips of your fingers. A typical BB would blow even the tiniest of situations into mammoth issues. Be prepared to fight everyday, for the rest of your life – cause it will be a serial.

Fevichick
The Fevichick is the emotionally weak and clingy type girl. Usually at first, she’ll be a darling and an awesome person to be around. Only a few days have passed and her ‘cling mode’ is turned on. You’d find yourself replying to messages and calls all day long. For example: 1. Have you eaten? 2. Have you pooped? 3. Where are you? 4. What are you wearing? And if that’s not enough she’ll land up at your office and home – the surprise visits will get worse. Unless you like needy and clingy chicks, I’d suggest Run!

Jeevan Saathi Jhalli
You’d probably come across this girl through an online portal. The JSJ is the kind of girl that’s looking for the perfect husband – the choice of her parents – and her days are spent surfing the likes of Shaadi.com and reading wedding books, and even fantasizing about children and a happily married life. A guy can never match up to the expectations of a JSJ. You’ll soon realize that you’re being controlled and manipulated by the girl into ‘the’ idea of a perfect man. If you like being controlled and told what to do, this is your girl.

DDLJ Kudi
Ever since she saw Dilwale Dulhaniya Leh Jayenge, she’s been in love with ‘Raj’ – the character played by Shahrukh Khan. She is on the constant lookout for the mischievous bad boy character who’ll become the sweet darling once they meet. If you’re ever interrupted on a bus or train humming to ‘tujhe dekha toh yeh jaana sanam,’ or any of the tracks from the movie, you’ll know its the DDLJ Kudi. Be prepared to fight off her brothers and family members on a railway station amidst Punjabi cotton fields in true Bollywood style. If you think this sounds moronic – you’re a sane man.

Naive Nannu
The NN is the kind of girl that has absolutely no brains. This means that there would only be one working brain in the relationship. A guy may find this cool at first, but only later realize the mess he’s gotten himself into. You’d be better off having a relationship with your shadow or reflection. She’ll have nothing to say during discussions – it’ll be more like you rambling like a mad baboon with little effect. This would be one of the most boring relationships. I’d suggest getting a goldfish or turtle.

Louis Vuitton Loser
Out of all the girls mentioned above, this one is the most popular and my favourite. I find the LV Loser to be thoroughly ‘amusing’ and ‘silly.’ You can call her the ‘Fresh Off The House Boat’ or the ‘Over Achiever.’ You can easily distinguish her in a crowded party – she’ll be overdressed – she and Govinda would share the same designer labels – and trying too hard. At first, this girl may come across, accidently, but momentarily and look good, however, don’t let your anticipation fool you – the moment the LV Loser opens her mouth, you’ll turn around and run in the opposite direction. If you think a yellow shirt and pink hot pants are cool than this would be your soulmate.

Harry’s Ex
Harry treats women like garbage, and unsurprisingly broke it off with Sunita. On the contrary Sunita still loves Harry even though he’s an asshole. Now, no matter how much Raj loves Sunita, he can never convince her into moving on. ‘Harry’s Ex’ is the worst kind of girl to be in a relation with – all your conversations will end up revolving around how Harry can change. Any normal guy will get fed-up with this kind of girl within a month, however, there are a few risk-takers and thrill seekers who’ll stick around a bit longer – because they think their love will outshine competition – only to end up frustrated, depressed and maybe measured.

Bhakt Bharti
If any conversation with a girl starts with a prayer or you humming the national anthem – you know you’re in a relation with BB. Worst, you’ll have to sacrifice on any form of love making or touching in the event of religious, national or periodic occasions. She is the insanely religious devotee that’ll make you want to take the celibacy oath and maybe even turn into a baba. From mornings to late evenings you’ll be attending prayers and practicing the holy doctrine. And if you show any signs of retreat, you’ll be banned from any sexual contact for the rest of your life – that leaves you with only one thing to do: Prayer.

The list of girls mentioned above have been selected on the basis of their silly and niche characteristics. I do not intend to hurt the sentiments of any particular female, rather, I’m just watching out for my brothers who are unable to get it right. There are several girls out there that are simply amazing and to die for – all the best boys.

Also check out the list of men that women should avoid here.

Opinion — View Comments
20
Oct 09

Mr. Pond 2 – The fall of the Indian driver

Let’s be clear about one thing right away: Indians are bad drivers – well, the larger part are for sure. Now, we can blame the government, the police or even our ignorant behaviour. Any which way, roads are crying out for help, and the best we can do is complain – by the way, that’s all we’re good at – and we’ll play that ridiculous blame game incessantly.

Let’s analyze the bigger picture momentarily.

When a terror attack happens; When someone mentions or refers to Mumbai as Bombay; If someone says ‘cattle class’ to make a point; If someone wears white and even if someone is simply caught kissing – our attitudes are: File a case with the high court, throw tantrums, take out processions, and even file for divorces of ethics.

What about the starving farmers, non-availability of water, shelter and electricity in the larger parts of our country, and even the ‘AAM AADMI’ (common man)?

No one seems to be talking about those issues. The one’s that really matter, and are slowly eating away into our roots. We’re good at throwing tantrums around like spoiled children (like when we were 4 years old and couldn’t get cotton candy) – the majority population is here.

No. Really. WTF?

On one end we crib, criticise, degrade the BABOOS (government & bureaucrats) for not doing their jobs, and wasting time and money – making tall claims of how they need to stop corruption and mend their ways.

And lately, there were even tall claims by most of the influential people – largely through media, blogs and Twitter – about how the people of the country deserve a better system. And these are the same people who encourage the same vicious system.

In addition, our media rampant goons constantly highlight stories that don’t matter or either affects no common man. And, if there is any airtime left, it’s for the dog that fell in the well or the two boys who ran away from home – to get married.

Yes. It’s the bloody truth. Ok, lets go back to the plight of the roads now.

How the majority thinks: The system is a huge mess. (The truth & acknowledging something has to be done).

What they really do about it:
a) Drive like monkeys behind the wheel.

b) Does anyone know the term: Right of Way?

c) Honking is directly connected to our balls (the itch is terrible).

d) If the police catch you for defaulting, you proudly deny or offer corrupt means to settle the matter (And, later tell people the system is corrupt or dysfunctional). A few even call the Home Minister to avoid getting fined Rs.100.

e) When was the last time anyone showed patience on the road? It must be the pressure of a pseudo life that take over once people are behind the wheel – even perfectly genuine people like Mr. Pond give you the finger. (Read Mr. Pond for more).

f) If any two cars collide, kiss (touch momentarily – primarily because of little space on the road), bump or even rough up badly, you’d find the drivers battling it out like 3 year olds in diapers – for their BB guns.

g) When was the last time anybody – even someone like you – followed the rules of the road. I feel that the most organised traffic, in India, is of Mumbai. Delhi and Ludhiana being complete jungles, packed with dimwits. And, Chandigarh joining close behind Delhi and Ludhiana.

h) The biggest pet peeve: People who litter on the road (throw wrappers, bottles and their diapers on the road – out the window). Go throw that shit at home. Seriously. And stop cribbing about pollution.

Yes. These are the problems. Not all of them, however, a basic few. I’m also sure that you could be reading this and point out hundreds more – yet the trouble lies wherein who’s going to start doing something, rather than pointing fingers.

For a start, here are a few things I follow:

1. I collect all my waste in the car and dispose it off once I get home.
2. Refrain from honking at all costs.
3. Try driving in lanes and avoid tailgating.
4. Remain calm on the road. (Daddy doesn’t own it).
5. Travel ahead of schedules and appointments. (Our roads are not meant for those 120km/h or even 80km/h for that matter)
6. And, if you get into an accident – move on with life, cars crash all the time, especially in India.
7. Before hurling abuses from your car – when the windows are rolled up, and only you can hear – and bringing your temperature up, kindly asses why the guy ahead or behind you is changing lanes on a short notice, or why they’re driving slower, or they’re moving out of an parking space, or they are looking for parking – just like you.

For even a better understanding you can also visit:
1. Chandigarh Police.
2. Delhi Police.

Surprised they exist? Its all that ignorance and attitude – we’re a bunch of spoiled boys and girls.

Note: What began this debate in my head was the following set of pictures. Look closely. Go to FLICKRFlickrFlickr.
The road-dividing sector 34 and 44 (use this as a sapling for the various problems being faced on road) had huge jams.

This was primarily because it had a small circle at its centre and no lights. The commuters would pack, squeeze and shove from all angles – leaving no room for a gulp of air – and hence, traffic would come to a stand still. Remember the term: Right of Way?

Finally, and usually, one smart citizen would step out his car and try put sense in it all – and eventually the flees would disperse, only momentarily, to collect at the next nearest circle or light – the process is once again on repeat.

Now that the authorities took appropriate action on the issue, our very own public has gone out and dug dividers out of the way. It’s a shame and pity for the poor system. First we cry for help, when we do get it – we’re unable to accept it and ultimately break the system apart.

PS: Not referring to all men and women on the road, however, those who need to know, they’ll get the hint. Feel free to slip this article on anybody who you find similar to the profile of Mr. Pond. Let’s make our roads and cities a better place.

Opinion — View Comments
4
Sep 09

Divorce Syndrome

What exactly is the “divorce syndrome?” Is it a virus? Are you going to be affected by it? Is there a cure? Is it the new “in” thing? It’s definitely not cool. Will your mom and dad find out that you have feelings for the neighborhood dame? Do you? Ha. Stay focused. And the remainder list of questions, roaming around – like a stray dog let loose in a pile of hay – in your head will only get rest once you’ve completely understood the story behind all of this.

Over a period of the last two years, I’ve come across a couple of daredevils who’ve shown us – not necessarily right – the way. On the contrary, these folks respect the status-quo, they even follow trends – even if it’s just a temporary phase or they just felt like it.

I’m referring to the younger generation. The ones that are on a spilt-timer – which means, they must get a divorce within one year of being married. There are tons of them, everywhere. You probably know someone like this. A close friend, sibling, neighbor, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you were one of them.

You’d be annoyed at the number of times they’d blabber about how bad those last 6 months were, and how they were planning to start fresh.

What’s causing all these divorces and breakups?

I only noticed after Bollywood caught on. (Love Aaj Kal)

If we may, for a moment, go back in history and re-look the roles of a man and woman. What do you see? Can you see the obvious trend? If all you see is this screen, a mouse, a keyboard and those dirty knickers hanging over the CPU, than, don’t worry. You’re still sane. And if you checked your Facebook three times in between the first word and here – you definitely need to get a life.

All these years, men and women have survived together with clearly defined roles – those of a dad and mom; a husband and wife; a brother and sister.

The trend suggests, according to me, the man was the provider as well as protector of the family. The woman nurtured the children and household – binding everyone together with values. A perfectly natural phenomenon, seen amongst several species and most logical – well, to me at least.

During this period you would have seen more joint families; tolerance and patience were far more prevalent. Homes were under the woman’s authority – playing the most important role – and they stood like foundation pillars. Values were much higher, relations between families were stronger, however, divorces hadn’t gained much popularity back then and people seemed to be happier living together.

All I here now is, “Baby, when will we shift from your parent’s house and move into our own place?” Ha. I’m sure there are a huge group of girls who’d disagree – I like this group.

In the present day, all these roles have diminished. Now a man can be a housewife, and a woman can be the one working full time – which is all very well. Leaving out the single parents, gay couples and anything that’s not a ‘man’ and ‘woman’ relation would not be fair. So let’s add everyone.

A vacuum has been created at home, once occupied by the woman. Leaving no one to fill this space, homes are slowly falling apart. Children no longer get the all-round growth, which was once given by a woman and man.

Psychologically, can we see the difference? Can we, including me, show patience and tolerance towards a fellow human being? I’d re-look into this with some honesty. Be true to yourself.

Normal to me is, a man and woman together. That’s the way nature made us. We’ve tested nature, questioned its authority several times before, and look what happened – global warming, depletion of ozone layer, pollution and the works.

Are we slowly moving away from family? Are we bending the system so much so that it slaps us right back in the face? Is a nuclear family a better option? How is it so difficult for a son to live with his parents and wife – under one roof?

(Note: With this post I’m not trying to pin point or single out anyone, rather, I’m trying to look at things from a particular perspective. There is really no right and wrong here. Just how you see it. Simple).

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