Inane Thoughts


19
Mar 10

Top 10 Things To Say When Airtel Broadband Calls

Are you welcomed by calls from sales-representatives early in the morning, during a client meeting, when you’re out drinking with the boys, while having/making dinner, while negotiating that last bit of fudge on that overtly sundae, doing your homework, filling/evading taxes, baking cookies for your darn kids, strangling your wife (kidding about that last one, even though I’m sure most of you do) from Airtel Broadband?

Boy?! What a nuisance – simply because I already use 2 Airtel Broadband connections. Any how, I’ve devised an almost waggish riposte, yet sensible to your ego, to tackle these incessant calls (keeping it appropriate for all genres).

Here is a list of things to say when the male/female representative says the following:

“Sir, we would like to take 2 minutes of your time to talk about Airtel Broadband.”

**At this point, I can already picture how this conversation is going to go.

-”Yea, sure. Tell me (I have now stepped into the better part of my brian).”

“Do you use broadband on your home pc…?”

Now, here’s your chance to make the best of this conversation, only if your genuinely not interested in Airtel Broadband or you’re a sucker like me with 2 Airtel Broadband connections.

The List

1. Computer? What broadband? I am a farmer. Do you have something for Reena, my buffalo or my tractor? Maybe they can be connected to the internet… (And you can continue to blabber) Reena hasn’t been milking properly, do you have internet that can fix her?

2. Yes, I have a broadband connection. I use it on my Microwave. I like to check my mails while I’m heating left over food. Its connected via a mainframe computer, located at Bedi Grocery Stores… Are you calling from Bedi Stores? Kindly send over some desi ghee (cooking oil).

3. My pet snake has eaten the broadband connection. In fact, I’m speaking from his lard infested stomach. Oh wait! I see the laptop… Hello?

4. I am interested in getting a broadband connection. Kindly send someone over at 123 Thebigwhiterock Drive, Moon.

5. I’m in jail right now. Can you get me a connection here? The inmates are making me do all the work around here…

6. Are you trying to seduce me? I’m filing a complaint.

7. Will the internet and broadband cure haemorrhoids?

8. Gabbar cut my arms off in Sholay? Do you know how I can itch that far corner on my back?

9. Jao, pehle us aadmi ko dhoond kar layo, jisne mere maathe pe likh diya: Mera Baap Airtel Broadband Ka Bill Nahi Dega!! (First, go find the person who wrote on my forehead: My father will not pay for Airtel Broadband).

10. Woof… Rrrrhhh… Woof.. Woohhoooo…

If you have other ideas, please drop them in the comments below. Lets see what all we can get. As it is Airtel wants people to express themselves!! Cheers :D


3
Dec 09

Make a movie

Yes, you read that right. Make a movie. There. I said it again. Back in the day, the heyday, I had a thing – a tiny bugger of a thought – for becoming a star, a well known public figure, someone who made a difference to this dog gone world. Well, its a reality now. Go ahead, check it out here or below. I’m sure you’ll get the drift. Cheers!!


10
Sep 09

Mr. Pond

Here’s one for the road.

After spending a considerable chunk of my time – during college days and mostly now – in my car, on the road, I’ve come across a particular breed of men and women.

These are not your regular sluggish illiterates, blind-in-most-corners, retarded at the wheel, unable to drive, sort of individuals.

Rather, these people are a different category all together.

Let me show you by example.

In order to understand this matter over a larger base (for the sake of everyone reading), we’ll suppose all men and women – driving on the Indian roads – are Mr. Pond.

Now, lets meet our Mr. Pond.

For this particular argument, he’s a perfectly normal human being; a doctor by profession; a god fearing man; he practices at one of the reputed hospitals in town; he’s got two wonderful kids that have been brought up under his and his wife’s utmost care and guidance; he loves to play golf over the weekend; he’s very careful about his eating habits, and he’s a non-drinker and strict vegetarian; a regular blood donor and he’s even conducted several medical camps for the needy.

Did I mention, he’s never cheated on his wife and women talk lengths about his loyalty.

In all, a charming personality I’d say. If you were a girl, you’d go out with him in one swift ‘Yes.’ And vice versa.

Let’s consider his bio, he’s almost too-perfect of an human to even hurt a fly. He would rather be the sensitive towards preserving life, keep you smiling, whenever you’d meet him kinds. I forgot to mention that he offers lollipops to all his patients.

Now here comes the cryptic part.

As soon as Mr. Pond gets behind the wheel, he transforms into a werewolf-like, with symptoms of monkey and baboons, with a tad of donkey.

To be precise, a hybrid of the biggest cock ready to explode.

These characteristics lead to aggressiveness and impatience, incessant honking (the most annoying), yelling (remember the baboons and monkeys) and rashness that we’d more than occasionally witness on the roads.

How does an accident turn into the Battle of Balaclava?

Well, you guessed it right. Its people like Mr. Pond.

You’d see them get in fights and arguments over minor accidents. Their ruthlessness would surprise you if you’d have known them personally.

As soon as they step out of their vehicles, they’re that charming and peaceful human once again.

What happens to perfectly good human beings on roads? Why is there no road or civic sense amongst people?

A huge stereotype – its India man, who cares. Or its that psychological clock that keeps ticking in every Indian’s head, a direct result of our Government – no work gets done, so everyone is in a mad rush to get their job done first?

On a road, this would mean, no one can wait or give the right of way – they would rather honk and go first.

Readers: Feel free to share your odd stories below.

(If you drive on the Indian roads, you’re bound to come across these individuals. And, if you haven’t, well, you’re probably heading for one soon.)


24
Aug 09

Dane Cook

Life can be a bitch at times. What do you do when your girlfriend is pregnant and its not your hard work? Ha. Well, it can happen. Relax. Its one of the reasons why someone started doing stand up. OK, maybe that’s not the only reason. Any how, if you’re a fan of stand up comedy, like me, you should definitively check out Dane Cook. Known best for his observational comedy skills.

You could remember him from his Hollywood roles: Employee of The Month, Good Luck Chuck or My Best Friend’s Girl. (All of these are a must see).

I find his Vicious Circle act to be the best. Here’s a snippet. Happy rolling over!