A while back, I had prepared a list of females that men should avoid at all costs. This time around, and due to popular demand, I’ve compiled the antidote. The list of men you’ll read about have either been acquaintances or been known in some way or other. The point is that the list matters, and not how I know them.
Although men are, by nature, polygamous and women monogamous, I can still draw a thin line between the different kinds of men and women. And ladies, to be honest, all men stare, all men are cheap (to some extent), and all men are MEN.
There. I feel much better.
There is a little bit of these men in every MAN. So, next time your man does something unorthodox or seemingly sheepish, you’ll be prepared. And, since there are so many different kinds of men out there, I have only selected a handful worthy of discussion. Feel free to request a TYPE in the comments section below.
Buckled up? Here we go ladies.
The Possessive Poodle
The reason I have chosen the Possessive Poodle, first, is because they are so damn popular. Look around; if you’re a woman, there are plenty of them, everywhere. The best way to define these gentlemen is their peculiar taste in almost everything garbled on ego. These over passionate, over board with the manner with which they conduct themselves and over (put almost anything you want here) kind of men. Usually, and mostly, women fall into their trap because they are puppy-dog like, harmless, feather like – fascinating, nearly. They will let women do whatever they please (wait, hold your horses) and as soon as the girl commits, you’d see the flipside – the real arse in disguise.
It would be a no this, no that, not now, not here, you’ll do as I say attitude. And, a month into this relationship, the girl becomes the Poodle – an angry bitch that’ll bite. No offense ladies, these men can do that to you.
Cure: Run for your life. Change all your phone numbers 300 times – and once more after that.
The Cheap Creep
Ah, the easiest one to find in a bunch of men. The Cheap Creep is a loner. Sporting a rapist-like smirk, eavesdropping on most conversations, eyeing all the butts and busts of the room – lavishly and openly. He is the I-think-I-am-Brad-Pitt type but actually looks like a shaved donkey. The Cheap Creep is a slimy fellow, usually lecherous by nature, and thinks he’s a player. He’ll approach girls with lines like: “God bless those” (And stare where men shouldn’t), “Let me show you my chest hair” (while slowly unbuttoning the top 2 buttons of his shirt), “You ladies look like you need some action” (and make sexual gestures). These are a few, I’m sure you can add to the list. Even a stripper or a low cost prostitute will not engage with The Cheap Creap.
Cure: Public humiliation: One tight slap.
The Beer Brawler
A perfectly sane looking individual who is known to be a champion. However, when his lips meet beer – the pig takes over. You’d be surprised at what follows next. Mostly found in the bathroom or on John’s new fish tank – throwing up. The Beer Brawler is the I-drink-50-beers-for-breakfast kind but gets drunk on 2 sips of root beer. He’ll try to stimulate ladies by his shallow antics and short-lived memory span. Even a bird with a pea size brain can outwit this bloke. Once the Beer Brawler gets drunk, he’ll enter into self-destruct mode. Usually leading to fights, random quarrels about how his girlfriend finds him immature or why he can’t score a better girl (well, a good one). Usually ladies fall into his trap because they believe a man can quit beer. No, really?
Cure: Fresh lime – lots of it!
The Bitch in Pants
I know what most of the ladies are thinking. Yes, you’re right. This is your favourite kind of man, the most popular in a group of girls. Wait, what? This may sound like a fantasy (to a few inexperienced men) but, the hard truth is, women love gossip. Yes, men gossip too, but this is one odd breed. He’ll know everything about everyone (even a super bitch would feel befuddled with his gossip prowess). He’ll out talk any girl in the room. There is some sort of a hidden channel via which this man receives all his feed. More so, women feel this urge to confide and confess all their secrets in him.
Note: For men, it would be a good idea to have one such friend. He’ll keep you out of trouble and into the right circle (remember he has so many girls around him).
A girl would not know who is the man in the relationship if she ever got with this queen. But, look at the bright side; you’ll have endless gossip. Need I say more?
Cure: Leave the room. Better, put some pants on.
The Cheating Cheetah
The most dreaded of them all. The cheat. The guy every girl wants to kill. Well, almost. Known to hop on and hop off relationships like a schoolgirl with candy. Hmmm… Well, not like a schoolgirl but a baboon on sugar. At first, this man seems perfect, like a saint from the hills. He’ll shower you with love and gifts (in most cases). You’ll be on cloud 9 for this, albeit brief, period. The inner working of this man are similar to a scam artist. Once the bubble pops, you’ll be heartbroken and distressed. Finally, all those warnings your friends gave will make sense.
Cure: Ask him to marry you on the third date and watch him run.
The Stingy Sheik
Contrary to popular belief, the Stingy Sheik is an elaborate spender. He’ll purchase the best of clothes, cars, mobile phones, shoes etc. etc. Here’s the catch: None of it will be for you. The only thing you’ll get is a set of bed sheets from Wal-Mart, at 50% off. He’d occasionally make you ‘ducth’ the bill on the pretext that women are equal. I say BULLSHIT.
Cure: Get your own wallet. Be a woman.
The Brag Basket
This man is full of himself. He’ll brag about everything, literally. An average conversation with this hoodwink will include the stretches of property, cars and women he owns. You’ll be yawning even before his Mercedes takes ignition. Also known to treat other humans like garbage – especially waiters and security guards.
Cure: Ask him about that Ferrari he couldn’t buy.
The Safe Boy
This is one of my favourites. The Safe Boy is your mom or dad disguised in sneakers and ripped jeans. He’ll shy away from any opportunity to take advantage, drink milk at a bar and even go to church in the morning. Will constantly worry about your health and take you on long drives with no intent. Very cute indeed, but wait, didn’t women prefer the bad boy? I’ll get to him very shortly. Usually women use the safe boy as a fallback toy. You would hear women say, “He’s been THERE for me” garbage.
Cure: Get a bad boy.
Speaking of bad boys. I’ve saved the best for last. Here’s the man himself.
The Bad Boy
This is not your average Joe. He’s the blue-eyed boy, the rock star of them all. He can jump in and out of any of the above roles at the drop of a hat. He is moody, choosy and downright egotistical and usually a good-looking stud. There will be commitment issues, relationship issues, and all sorts of issues that even I can’t fathom. Teachers hate him, mothers love him (mostly), and men envy him. He makes girls go weak in the knees, flirts recklessly and takes most of the girls’ home. Most girls can’t resist this dude too long. In fact, friends would wait in line to be with him. That’s crazy but all true. The only way you can go home with this bad boy is if your BOMB-like hot!
Cure: There is no cure. He’s going to be out of this world. Enjoy!
All right ladies, hope you enjoyed this short journey. I’m sure there are 10 more men you can think of that should make this list. Kindly add them below, in the comments section and I will write about them in Volume 2.
Note: Some descriptive bits have been left out to keep this blog PG-13.
I recently – on a flight back to Chandigarh from Mumbai – finished reading Stephen King’s On Writing. It is a memoir of the craft of writing. 
