Author Archives


6
Oct 11

Writer’s block

The memory of writing a blog post with a flint of conviction seems foggy. Timing couldn’t possibly be worse. Blame it on fate or sour creative juice. Either way, no words had been put side by side in fancifulness of an engaging and spirited blog post.

It all began with pseudo work piling up on my desk, under my nose. Intentionally denying myself a breather of verbal air- a blog rant so to speak. This phase was an excuse to stub great ideas, which could, in a perpetually digitized universe, see the light of algorithms or day as you – normal folks armed with Facebook poke – would call it.

This severe problem, like an annoying blister grown organically between the ass cheeks, was never of ideas, which, in a matter of fact way, have always been abundant, and stacked neatly, labeled and shelved in my brain’s optical briefcase, with a sign: break in case of creative block.

At the same time, for a moment it seemed, I had burned myself to the point of extinction. Writing, as a way of life, was over even before taking off. I reeked failure all over. With my face tucked tightly between crossed arms, the voices numbed. There was no one at the wheel. I was lost in a dessert of confusion plagued by frustration.

A low point ensued.

But, where there is a will, there’s a BMW M5 backed into your driveway, awaiting play.

Back? Ah! I was saying: post several futile attempts of calibrating the ideas in my mind with words, the light at the end of the tunnel began to creep its way back in. This was the point of realization- and the much awaited climax in this riddling verbal jaunt. It was a moment full of joy or in my textbook- wank-a-thon-induced-orgasms.

Here’s what I discovered, and this may help you in your moment of weakness- seconds before you give in to a boring career option- (put boring fart-less profession here).

We all, I’m assuming you too, know-

Writing, like any other profession or craft, requires loads of practice, lots more repetition, even more reading or better yet, endless reading and an eye for picking up nuances that may trigger your mind’s shorter leg.

Pun intended.

Turns out, with my colossal work load taking front row seats, I hadn’t read a book, magazine, blog post, newspaper, website copy, terms & conditions on a soap box or even the fine print of anything of anything.

Curiosity levels were as shallow as Kim Kardashian’s personality. For creative beings, this is an equivalent of a prisoner on death row multiplied by steroid-induced hysteria that makes one stab there eye incessantly.

Marlyin Mansion would know.

One fine day, the pieces began to fit the puzzle, while I was in office looking for inspiration, without ever realizing that a short book on time management (gifted by a friend) was quietly moving the floor beneath my feet. The feeling can be best described by downing 30 shots of vodka. Friendly advice: I wouldn’t try that if I were you.

On completing the book, I placed it back on the shelf, sat back in my chair, threw my feet on the table, put my hands behind my head, smiled in satisfaction and came to realize how much I missed reading.

Its close to what a good old mouth hug by the sea feels like. If you need to know what that means, you’re not old enough to be on this blog. Shoo!!

I pounced on everything in sight for the next week, like a starved cave man, who’s discovered the 7 course lunch buffet at The Leela Kempinski. Blogs, magazines (which I verbally raped from cover to cover), and this book that I’m reading now on “probability”, which is responsible for stimulating a legion of out-of-work brain cells.

Soon, it all began to come back, words connected like a relationship high on chemistry minus the boring science bit. I am now, without a doubt, a kid high on crack.

Rainbows and bunnies are back in charge. In short, reading more helps.


27
Aug 11

Mr. Porter | Online store for men

Mr. Porter. An online store for guys. The site looks classy and visually resembles the pages of a GQ magazine. The collection is extensive and categorized neatly into sections. You’ll not only find your favourite gear but also helpful tips and advice on all sartorial matters. There’s even a “Wardrobe Manager” option. It’s that simple.


15
Jul 11

Why you need bra & panty in your next marketing strategy


*Before we proceed any further into this article, kindly look into your mind’s eye and honestly tell me you’re thinking about filing your taxes and making an honest living and not those luscious, drool-inducing, balls-tingling tits and ass.

Alright. Here we go.

The two most fascinating words of the male dictionary. Well, in my case, for obvious reasons but also because they’re purely a professional hazzard.

No.

I know what you’re thinking i.e. either this guy is a male stripper who grinds the bars for the rich-but-lonely-wives, or is a professional godzilla slinger aka hairy Mexican pornstar or one of those guys who’s drooling and ogling dirty pictures in the next window while conceptualizing this literary jaunt.

Or my favourite- he’s plain old horny and cheap like every other man except for Bill Clinton.

What? He was framed.

Although, those would appropriately fit my label, there’s more to a bra’s and panty’s obvious functionality.

One.

Today, because of clutter and competition, to engage the customer or as we, in the advertising industry put it, get the target audience enticed and hooked over the brand becomes a challenge.

Hence, you need your communication to be catchy.

*Like those tits you saw the other day, while you sat across the room with your girlfriend at a cafe. You remember she was wearing a white dress, her long brown hair were caught in the wind (even though this was indoors and there was no fan) and the fact that she itched her toe twice, shifted three times and did that thing most girls do- fixed her shirt because she could see the drool on your chin from across the room.

She was like a breath of fresh air. Thats recall.

Is your campaign engaging enough for the audience you have set out to have a conversation with?

Two.

Sampling the product so that a customer can get a flavour i.e. like a test drive or demo.

*You walk into a strip club, get a lap dance and the girl quietly slips a business card in your jacket pocket while you orgy over her assests.

Raise your hand if you agree thats some kick-ass one-on-one selling right there. Can your product demo deliver and capture the imagination of your customer?

Three.

Delivery. You’ve enticed the customer, given a kick-ass demo but when the panties come off, there’s a dirty bush and it smells of alcohol and a baloney sandwich that was on the bottom-most shelf of your friend’s fridge for two whole months.

Failing to deliver to the brand promise will result in losing the customer forever, garnering a bad word of mouth and, the most common of all, an erectile dysfunction- the business going kaput.

I also think a bra is much like the advertising campaign that entices and engages with the client, guest, customer or consumer and the panties become the after sales service.

How well and prepared are you to listen and meet the needs as well as evolve with time to keep things alive and fresh?

For instance, an advertising baba would do a like an under-the-waterfall-in-her-saree-slow-motion-dance for an Indian and a let-me-grab-that-pen-of-the-floor for you in a really tiny skirt for an American.

Disclaimer/Tip: After all, it ain’t rocket science dude, with one hand in his pant and the other on the mouse. Simply spread the index and thumb into a “U”, slide your hand up her shirt from behind, press down firmly on the straps and bring thumb and finger apart.

Voila. I said bra and panty.

Image: ffffound.com


27
Apr 11

School days in prison


Ever heard people rant about how they loved their school days, and if they’d get a chance to go back in time, they’d do it in a blink of an eye. Well, that is certainly not my case. I dreaded school, the very thought of school, even now, makes my stomach hurl – sickening, really.

And, to my plight, there was no escaping going to school, even when I begged, pleaded, whined, made puppy dog faces, cried and hid from my parents under the bed, under the kitchen table, behind the tree in the lawn, in the boot of the car – nothing. I had to be part of a mundane educational system that inspired zero creativity and imagination.

This rudimentary system of education, which made sense in the early half of the 19th century, was made to cater to the industrial revolution. That’s why your mommy and daddy wanted you to be either and engineer or doctor – so you could get a job, and that’s why they frowned upon arts because there was no future there. Or at least that’s what they thought.

The learning environment i.e. hierarchy of curriculum (science at top and arts at bottom) and basic infrastructure never evolved with time, causing a conflict between the educational systems itself and the demands of the professional world – which no longer only consists of engineers and doctors.

Simply put, technologies and opportunities, which were never heard of when we were kids (like Facebook, Google and other creative platforms i.e. mobile, graphic design and advertising) are fields, which have created a surplus demand for individuals which no educational system of today is prepared for.

Let’s closely, for a moment, observe a typical day in school from my eyes. I’ve gotten into the military suit (the god forsaken uniform), strapped on a bag full of books which couldn’t intrigue a flint of curiosity, a lunch box with my favourite – bread jam or Maggie, a thermos filled with ice cold Roohafza (a sweet drink of survival).

There I am, in a class full of kids that are anxious for the teacher to walk in and put tiny stars on their faces – well, they did their homework. Me, on the other hand, loathe the very thought of doing any homework. I guess it’s the “work” in home that disheartened my kid-like spirits.

A daydream used to ensue the moment the teacher opened her mouth. Physically, there was very little I could do about my situation, but mentally no one could control my imaginative and inquisitive nature. I spent all my time observing birds, trees, the endless blue sky (courtesy big windows), the girls from the school next door (I went to an all boys school), the way a teacher carried her/himself, their character, the wood of my table, the smell of the concrete floors, the fan, the smell of chalk, the flee on my table and so on.

Often, I’d sit in class and wonder about the liberating life beyond the walls of my school.

How badly I wanted to escape the prison of pointless garble that came in the form of Maths, Science, History and the likes. I remained stoned-thick in the head. I didn’t want to be educated by a bunch of nincompoops – nothing but rote learning. Teachers would thrash my behind, knuckles and palms (corporal punishment was allowed back then) but their attempts proved futile.

Around exam time, I’d get a double thrashing from home simply because I’d pick up my bicycle and circled around town, again, observing people, things and why they were the way they were. The results of these activities proved quite fatal on my report cards.

If I were to put it in simple words, my report cards were like a visit to the theme park and riding the rollercoaster meant only for kids above 25 years of age. Obviously, my parents used to get nightmares and forego sleep on the days when a parent teacher meeting was called. We’d park far away and leave before anybody could notice. In short, I was the cutest looking embarrassment (oh, come on, I used to have dimples and the whole puppy dog thing going for me).

Anyhow, while other kids showed up on the day of the exam, chirpy and excited – huddled around each other, outscoring each others brain – I’d stand peacefully to a side and think about all the things I was going to do once the exam was over.

And, although, I was never prepared for an exam, my swagger was full of confidence. It used to take me exactly 2 minutes and 35 seconds to finish any exam – after all, how long does it take someone to write their name. On one such occasion, I ended up writing my best friends name. Imagine explaining that in front of my Principal, teacher and parents – this is when my mom gave me an exclusive thrashing of a lifetime.

Sadly for my parents, and to my luck, I was thrown out of a couple of schools. My dad must have had a tough time bringing up a retard like kid. I bet he’d pray to god, had he waited that day at work. In the corporate world, people hop from one company to another for money and “change”, I did it because I failed according to the educational system, but also because I liked the idea of going some place new.

At present, I run an advertising agency that is working closely with a client to setup an International boarding school, which proposes an International curriculum – an irony for the guy who hates the very idea of schools. But after three months of extensive research and learning, I’ve learnt that the education sector is under a massive revolution/overhaul.

According to Sir Ken Robinson, a world leader in the development of innovation, creativity and human resources talks about how education till now has only stressed on the left side of the brain – creating only professors for school and how the current system of education kills creativity. See the video.

All these years, I had this repulsive fungus-like anger hidden in the far corners of my heart, buried deep, deep down, under a tank of revolt. But, to my surprise, my views of schools and the education system have all gone for a toss. I can finally sit back and look at education with a promising smile on my face.

In the future, no longer the sciences and maths will be put on celestial podiums. There will be room made for the arts, not above or below, but as an equal. Right from the school building – the environment in which a child will learn, grow and imagine to liberating a child’s true passion by nurturing his or her’s true talent and creativity – the schools of tomorrow will be something even I’ll want look back upon.

Read this on GQ INDIA.