Fuck. Where does one begin with the elephant in the room? No, really. A fucking elephant. Could you imagine an elephant in the room? I bet the elephant would be wondering where the napkins were cause it had to clear some snot from it’s trunk.
Betty, would you be a sweetheart and please hand Dumbo some tissues *in a British accent even though this article is geographically 7 hours away by flight.
The task [fuck, I just called it a task, like it's job and I'm going to receive money at the end] of pinning down the best coffee shops of New York City.
To be fair, in the beginning I was super excited. I was packing the essentials for New York including an iPhone armed with Instagram filters.
Coffee porn. Well, come to think of it, anytime someone calls out for a cupping session- all I think of is boobs and possibly my hands in the same frame.
Mmm… Yeah! Right, where were we? So coffee! Yeah!
I can see coffee connoisseurs go “ugh.. phew phew ugh” over my sexual innuendo *all while pressing up and from beneath the tip of their nose using an index finger.
Argh. Those snooty bastards.
[*Quick! Imagine a bald guy (shaved head on true account) dressed hipster-ish get on a plane from Toronto (visualise CN Tower and Skydome) and land in NYC (visualise Manhattan skyline). Cut to a scene of him strutting around Manhattan & Brooklyn's different coffee shops across a big city in stop motion.]
Clearly you understand my deliberate desire to procrastinate over this piece.
3 weeks in New York and I only managed a bean foreplay. Therefore, for the sake of this piece and argument I renamed the article to reflect only coffee shops I managed to visit before overdosing in a hyperbole of caffeine.
Here are the coffee shops of NYC you shouldn’t miss. Obviously I will be revisiting and adding to the list.
The owners Paul & Jeremy are two cool blokes as they were able to -architecturally- retain the immediate environment into their coffee shops.
The one at Williamsburg is where the best coffee has been had.
A tiny little spot. Avoid taking your laptop. There’s no WiFi. Amen.
Mr. Gregory was inspired by his father who ran diners in NYC.
Want to become a pro barista, Joe offers classes.
Go to the one on 12th street.
The easiest spot to make new friends. Sit at the communal table and throw abundant praise on your neighbours handwriting.
Love this spot. The cupping session was a fun surprise. No pun intended.
No metrics were harmed in the making of this article. Ok thanks bye. *Awkward silence followed by the sound of crickets.